Parents, Please Read

Parents, Please Read I have finally made it home for the holidays. Let me tell you, theres nothing quite like being at home, even if it is just for two weeks, and even if its so snowy that nobody can leave/come to my house for anything. Home is still wonderful. Being home is a great time for deep, philosophical talks with parents that simply arent possible over the phone. The reason I write for the admissions blogs is because I really like the admissions process, I like helping admitted students learn about MIT before they get here, and I like sharing with everybody the types of things I do here. My dad follows the blogs very closely as well and the two of us often discuss the current admissions gossip. The one thing hell do that I normally wont is explore the bowels of College Confidential (if I had my way, College Confidential would be wiped off the face of the planet), but that just makes him all the more interesting when we discuss admissions. The two of us were sitting down at Rockin Rogers enjoying breakfast and chatting when the topic turned away from normal father-son stuff and drifted towards MIT. We touched on admissions (Hows Matt? Matts fine. Do you ever see such and such? No not really. I really like Yans writing, she uses a lot of adjectives . . . etc etc) and got more onto the topic of current student life, mainly my grades. Grades are especially relevant right now because all of this years freshmen just got their first set of them. Up until now, MIT has been a fun, relatively informal, unofficial learning environment, but the instant grades get written down it becomes serious. I spend a lot of time at MIT very stressed, this semester especially. Fortunately for me, none of that stress comes from my parents. All of my stress is self-imposed, its me telling myself to do well, telling myself to study, and telling myself to not give up. My parents act as wonderful outlets for frustration, concern, complaining, and any other angsty 20-year-old emotion I can throw at them. Through all of it they are supportive and tell me to keep doing what I can. They constantly remind me that Im at the hardest school in the country, the fact that Im even there is astounding, the fact that Im passing classes is ridiculous, and the prospect of As is almost heart-attack-inducing. I dont think its because they have low standards, that passing is acceptable now, I think its because they are extremely realistic and understand the grand scheme of things. They understand that passing a class at MIT with a C doesnt mean youre below average or struggling, it means that MIT has deemed yo u competent enough to proceed and learn more material. It means you passed. What Ive noticed, both from the comments in the admissions blogs and from talking to friends at school, is that many many many parents dont take this approach. Many parents put a lot of additional pressure on their children to succeed and to get As. While its wonderful to want your child to succeed and to encourage them to do well, threatening them and adding unnecessary stress to an already super-stressed MIT student does more harm than good. This is the first year Ive gotten to watch freshmen do MIT and Ive learned a lot about parents just by watching their children. 1) Parents are CONVINCED that unless they call you every day to remind you, you will forget to eat and subsequently die of malnutrition. 2) Parents are scared to death that you are wasting their money. Lets talk about number 2 for a little bit, because thats what really motivated this entry. Ultimately, when it comes straight down to it, parents are the ones who decide whether you attend MIT or not. They pay the bill. End of story. Dont kid yourself or come up with excuses, you dont have $50,000 a year to pay for tuition. As such, parents want to see that they are getting their moneys worth, which is why parents FREAK OUT (caps totally necessary, Ive seen the student end of freak out phone conversations many times) when they hear any of the following: a) I skipped lecture (more than once (for an entire semester)) b) I decided not to do that problem set c) I failed that test (and it doesnt bother me) d) I got a C in physics/chemistry/biology/math Parents will label these as inexcusable. I label these as completely excusable, and I can back up my claim. I skipped lecture (more than once (for an entire semester)) I routinely skipped lecture my freshman year. Why? Because it was more beneficial to skip lecture than to attend. Sometimes (more often than people think) lectures are actually detrimental to your learning. Sometimes its a bad professor, other times its where the lecture fits into your schedule, and sometimes its the way that lecture is taught. I skipped almost every single differential equations lecture I had. Why? Before and after lecture I had a one hour break with no classes. One hour is not a lot of time to get work done and oftentimes I found myself just wandering around, surfing the internet, or bored. What I realized is that if I skipped my lecture and went to the library for 3 hours I could read the chapter out of the book that was going to be covered in lecture, go through online lecture notes, and work on the problem set. I got more work done and learned more NOT going to lecture than I would have if I attended. I ended up getting a B in the class. Another example, I skipped the majority of my freshman chemistry classes. Why? They were early in the morning and videos of the lecture were always posted online. There, honestly, was no need for me to attend lecture in person, so I didnt. I watched the lectures online, took notes, and did fine in the class (I even aced my second test). I decided not to do that problem set Freshmen year is all about trying to figure out a system that works for you. Time management is really important at MIT and a lot of students here struggle with it. The only way to learn good time management skills is to try different things. Try skipping these lectures in lieu of this, try skipping this PSET in order to study for this test, this class is harder than this class so I need to focus more here, etc. Prioritizing and figuring these things out can be difficult and can oftentimes result in skipped PSETS, failed tests, and sleepless nights, BUT ITS NECESSARY. Without experimentation and trying different things, theres no way to find the study method or work schedule that is the most effective. Freshmen year is Pass/No Record (you either get a P or your class never shows up, there are no letter grades) for precisely this reason, to give students a chance to figure out what works for them. Parents, if your child trusts you enough to talk to you and share everything with you, youre going to hear stories of failed tests, missed PSETS, and sleepless nights. Theyve trusted you enough to tell you these things, its up to you not to jump down their throats and scold them for it, otherwise they will simply stop telling you anything. Ask why certain things happened, absolutely, but please dont scold or threaten, you just make our lives more difficult than they need to be. I failed that test and it doesnt bother me This happened to me this year. I studied days for a test, took it, felt great about it, and then scored in the bottom 5% of the class. I failed it. I also didnt mind. When looking back at the mistakes I made and the questions I missed, I realized that it was just one or two algebra mistakes here, a misinterpretation there, and then some questions that were just really hard that I didnt know how to answer. I understood the material, I didnt feel like I could have tried harder or studied more, the test just didnt go well. It happens. There was nothing to change for the next test, I was happy with my preparation, I just happened to have failed. Not letting something get to you is important at MIT. If your child tells you that they failed a test and theyre ok with it, dont flip out. Theyve come to grips with their score and are ready to move on, dont drag them back down into an unhealthy state of sorrow and regret. Theyre ready to do well on the next test and tackle their next problem set, dont encourage them to brood over a bad test, its simply not helpful or healthy. I got a C in physics/chemistry/biology/math Not all sciences are created equal. To be perfectly frank and honest, I hate math, chemistry, and biology. I used to loathe physics but Im slowly warming up to it. MIT forces you to take chemistry, biology, math, and physics, whether you like them or not. Whether you understand them or not. Whether you ever plan on using them or not. AND . . . not only do they force you to take them . . . but they force you to take MIT versions of these classes, meaning youre taking Oh My GOD! This is the hardest thing ever! versions of classes that you may have found difficult in high school. Anybody will tell you, its very difficult to force yourself to study material that you find frustrating and uninteresting, which is why its very important that MIT has Pass/No Record 1st semester. MIT wants you to learn about chemistry, biology, physics, and math, but it doesnt necessarily expect you to excel, it just wants you to understand more about the subject matter. Parents see a report card full of Cs and die a little on the inside. This is premature. Parents, calm down, youre overreacting. Your child just passed some of the hardest intro-level science classes in the country, be proud of them. Show them support. You are getting your moneys worth. The more support you give them now, the better they will do later. Im not a parent so I dont understand parenting, but I am on the receiving end of parenting so I do know whats useful on our end and whats not. The fact of the matter is, when your child gets into their major, their grades will improve greatly. Theyll be learning material that they enjoy, the material that they came to MIT to learn, and theyll want to study and go above and beyond. Be patient and watch your child grow into their school, itll be a process you only get to go through once, and its not something you want to tarnish with constant lecturing and scolding. I guess, in the end, this is what Im trying to say. MIT is hard enough without parents constantly berating us and scolding us and pressuring us to do well. We know whats going on at school, were in the thick of it. Well call you and tell you whats going on with our lives, tell you of our mistakes and our triumphs, but we really dont want to be lectured to. We want support. If you dont give us support and instead pick apart everything we tell you, well simply stop telling you things. Its not that we dont love you, its that youre making things worse and its in our best interest to do what we know needs to be done. Sometimes, by trying to make things better, youre making things worse. If we ask for advice, give it. If we ask for support, give it. If we tell you what weve been up to, enjoy our stories, but please dont make our lives more stressful.